Remember when

So remember when you were really good at stuff, then you got old. Of course I'm talking about me and the stupid hoola hoop. Yes I thought I had it figured out, I don't it's not like when your young. You know the old saying it's like riding a bike. Maybe that would be easier cause right now the hoola hoop and I are at odds with each other. 15 min. still not able to keep it going for more than a few seconds, but tomorrow I will feel it in all the right spots. So get off the couch and purchase one it's fun and you don't even know your working out til the next morning and everything hurts. It's good for you and again my daughter had some fun laughing at me. I'm not discouraged because I'm good at stuff I've conquered many impossibles. Not even sure where to start but I'm sure they are good. Tomorrow is the big day, we will call it The Day of The Pump. It will go down in history. I'm a little disappointed in myself though I just got black, could have picked anything I wanted and I went with black. Could it be symbolic because I am still in mourning of life past, or the fact that at work I'm only in black. I like the Mourning part it sounds more dramatic. Were in the wedding season so work is absolutely crazy starting tomorrow how will the pump affect all of this. I forget sometimes to even check my sugars then to eat is also forgotten. With the pump I will have insulin flowing through my body 24/7 just like when my pancreas actually worked, now I forgot what that will feel like. Could it possibly be I might want to get up in the morning on purpose. When I'm not working early that's my challenge. So tomorrow we'll see. This, I'll be good at, because I must!

Fun yummy Recipes

Just when you thought there was nothing good to cook, I found this great site. Now remember moderation in all things. Enjoy cooking for the whole family. Now remember type 1 don't forget your carb to insulin ratio, write it down so next time you make the meal you know exactly what to dose. Type 2 diabetics keep working watch what you eat, make sure your exercising bought a hoola hoop K it's fun and works all the muscles. Took me 3 days to actually do it right. The kids had fun laughing at me, always good for a laugh.
http://shine.yahoo.com/search/recipes?p=Diabetic

Overreact

Ok so ya I overreact that's what I do, and more than I should. But hold on it used to be because I was a women, you know quote hormonal. Man do I miss those days. So after 22 years and all the stuff we've been through together if I want to have a little tantrum, and I mean little over a stupid mug with a bear on it that cost more than I would have spent then please give me that moment. Don't under any circumstance think that it has anything to do with insulin. A year ago when this all began something like this would have just been blamed on lack of sleep or me just being pure crazy. Now being Diabetic has literally changed the whole dynamic of every relationship. Everyone is watching everything I eat, if I'm upset, or too happy or just plain off it's about the diabetes. It is going to be the death of me literally. Do I have to really become a closet Diabetic only taking insulin in the dark of night sneaking off so no one see's me dose and shudders when you put the needle through your jeans, not sure what to do. I'm super excited about the pump that I will learn to use on tues at the same time not sure what to think. More questions what are you doing, why did you do that what did you just do. Not a single soul really knows not even myself. I know I am just complaining but if I don't do it here where no one will see or even read then I will explode. I thought that I could always make my remarks happy and uplifting something people would want to read but let's be honest this is about me just getting through each day some are good some not so much. Tonight or should I say this morning because officially the tantrum was at midnight as I'm getting ready to put my husband on Dialysis, which by the way I know everything about his disease that's what I do. This is different it has to be me no one else can do it for me. And it's not always so easy to make that right decision. Diabetes tonight it's a swear word not to be spoken in my house til further notice, or tomorrow when I wake up!

Pie

So yesterday being Thanksgiving I was seriously struggling. Of course I kept this all to myself. First we went to Starbucks in the morning to get some hot chocolate. I asked if they had any sugar free hot chocolate, of course the answer was no. Does anyone ever want something sugar free. Ok so that was the first moment I felt like crying but I didn't I got some steamer with hazelnut and fat free milk, and a cranberry bliss bar I had to guess how many carbs I failed miserably way over did the insulin to carb ratio. So setting up for Thanksgiving I crash with low blood sugar searching in my purse for the last of the hidden candy and snuck a roll went out to the car and sat. I made my daughter promise not to tell funny how I felt like I did something wrong and maybe I would get in trouble. So for at least 20 min I sat out in the cold car and fratted about the meal ahead writing down what I thought I might eat how many carbs in each choice how much insulin this would entail. And then the tears came but they were dry because I had to go face the family, who of course no one is the wiser I'm a closet Diabetic doing extremely well, I look good I smell good so I must be good. Could they be more wrong. Dinner went nicely so happy to be with my husbands family missing mine because they do understand. Time for pie so excited about the pie love pumpkin dosed for it so I think anyhow. So my sister-in-law walks over with a little souffle bowl with this chocolate pudding whip cream and a cookie on top. My sweet niece had made me a sugar free pie just for me, of course that's when the tears came I tried to stop them but couldn't. Isn't this how life is just when you think your alone you staring head on into the most beautiful chocolate pie you have ever seen!

Thanks

Something was said about this being Diabetic month. Not sure who comes up with this and I want a color so I guess the color I choose is green. Only because I am green with envy for the Thankgivings past when I could just eat and eat. I will be counting carbs tomorrow my first thanksgiving doing this. I have been logging my progress and working on writing down how much insulin for particular foods. I want to be able to go back when I eat those things and know exactly how much insulin to take. Thanksgiving is a fabulous time and I am thankful for my family,friends and modern technology that keep myself and my husband alive so that we can watch our children grow. Best thing can't wait to me a grandma! I am grateful that my dad has been a great diabetic for 30 years. The hope that this gives me is undeniable. Looking forward to the new pump on it's way in the mail the 30th big day.

Idiot

As a brilliant women once said as she explained her day at work "I feel like an idiot with a capitol E". Now haven't we all felt like that. I had to let my mom know that Idiot was actually spelled with an I. Wow I think that this is a the perfect end to a perfect day. I visited with the Dr. today. Again feeling anxious and worried, I'm not sure if he is going to expel me from class because I'm getting a bad grade, or hold me back for the bad performance on my test. I never have been a good study even in school I spent the night before cramming for the test. Well this test seems to keep going and going and going. I wish it were the energizer bunny but it's just me feeling as if I can't get it right too many highs too many lows and too much food not being eaten. The Dr. today said I must stop "Grazing" so what am I cattle? If I am I choose the be a gurnsey. Anyhow it's impossible I always sample everything, I work with cake and amazing wedding food every day. His suggestion which by the way I really do take seriously is to take a cooler to work with some celery nuts of any kind apple and some cottage cheese so when I feel like eating cake I have a piece of celery instead. Oh my heck why didn't I think of that. Dr's are amazing fixer's of stuff don't you think. I'm fixed no more cake for me only celery, I can have peanut butter but only a little unless of course I want to enjoy the celery. All kidding aside I appreciate the fact that he also is type 1 so he can relate to everything, I asked him to write exactly what he eats everyday so I can do the same. He says type A personalities like me and Dr's (first time being compared to a Dr. I'll take it) like to have things be precise so tomorrow off to the store to get a cute cooler some celery, nuts and anything else with little to no taste to it. Again I will start anew. Til tomorrow!

Low's

So I talked about the highs so we can't forget the low's. Ok so low blood sugar or hypoglycemia whatever you want to call it is the worst. Let me give you a few symptoms and tell you how I handle them. Several different symptoms and they never seem to be the same. First my lips start to tingle and my tongue really quite weird I don't like it at all. At this time if I'm awake easy to take care of I just have a 15 carb snack. Ok now let's talk about what really happens. In the middle of the night I wake up with sheer panick heart racing sometimes in a cold sweat. I roll over knowing immediately my sugar is low. Only the good Lord knows why I even wake up so I can acknowledge that right off the bat. Anyhow check my sugars, then depending on how weak I feel I either step out of bed or slide and make my way to the kitchen. If you've ever had to walk the hallway with both hands on the wall to keep from falling you might know what this feels like. So now the important part only 15 carbs to bring your sugars to normal. This is the challenge let me tell you why. You feel so lost disoriented perhaps easier to just go back to sleep but you don't something is driving you to the kitchen. I remember oh ya cereal I can have some cereal. But I forgot that there are 29 carbs in 1/2 cup not including the 19 in the 1/2 cup of milk. Not thinking straight 5 bowls later I feel better, back to bed then I wake up, Hyperglycemia kicks in my day starts again. This time I don't want to get out of bed. Fact one small can of tree top apple juice 15 carbs, that's all you need. The true test of a great diabetic to have just 15 carbs. One day that will be me then not only will I be the greatest boss in the world I'll be the greatest diabetic in the world! Right now my dad holds the title.

Highs

Talking about the high sugars, these are easy to detect because I don't want to get out of bed. Now you'll know if I am out of bed and my head is spinning in circles "the 80S generation knows what this means, I'm not even going to try to explain it to the younger, too scary" Anyhow it's hard to explain the rage it can produce, self pity exhaustion, head ache stomach ache. So then when my kids or husband looks at me and says "why are you psycho, why are you screaming, have you checked your sugars?" This always seems to be a big help especially to me because I live in an alternate universe than the rest of them. At this point I promptly bolt to my room slam the door and start to cry. Then I check my sugars because I'm certain they are high just don't want to admit it to anyone. I ask them what I get to say to them when they aren't acting quite right. The answer to that question nothing of course. Now what can cause a high blood sugar, one of my favorite pass times,(well it used to be, not worth it anymore) sitting with a diet coke with a box of cereal. Ok cereal is extremely high in carbs and I don't think they really know exactly how many in a couple cups, because when I dose my insulin and measure my cereal it never seems to be enough. How do I conquer this mountain, well I guess I could stop eating cereal the most amazing thing ever created or keep truckin. So that my friends is what I will do! I avoided cereal for 6 longs months until the dietician talked some sense into me, there is a price to pay, but I will figure it out only a matter of time, and that is all I have!

Fact

So much to learn. When this all started I pictured everything I knew about diabetes. Many were what I had seen in the Dialysis community. I have several friends with type 2 diabetes who have many problems with their feet. Right before the diagnosis a friends husband had suffered some severe muscle problems in his legs because of complications with his type 2. So I went on a very crazed eating or shall we say not eating binge. I figured the less I ate the less insulin I would need, completely carb free diet. I wouldn't even look at anything that was more than 15 carbs and even then I would really consider the consequence. I had the belief system that with only 1 kidney and so much knowledge of Dialysis that if I didn't do everything right my life was over. 2 months ago I was so tired and crying all the time my family had an "Intervention" and tried to get me to start eating. I was under the conclusion that if I needed shots of insulin that I was being "naughty". This led me to the University of Utah Diabetic Center where I met with a Dr. and Nutritionist. Yes I do have the personality of I can do this all on my own. I felt as if and still do that each day is a test, how will my sugars look am I on track what will I eat today etc etc. I learned much and still learning 2 things I'll share today. 1 no amount of insulin is too much when your eating at least 40-60 carbs per meal (still working on that), because who knows how much insulin a normal body is putting out each min of everyday. And the Fact for the day, I'm sure it's just me but a Banana has 15-30 carbs depending on the size, so this was news to me.

A Story to Tell

I decided that Everyone has a story to tell, today I just feel like mine is important. What brings me to this point in my life is very eventful. I was thinking about the day we found out that my dad had type 1 diabetes. I was only 12 and didn't really understand the magnitude of it all. I remember my parents being relieved that it wasn't cancer. Deep down I always knew I would one day share this disease with my dad. I remember the day things with my sister would become complicated with her Kidney Disease I was 16, I always knew that one day I would become her donor. I was 25 on that day. I was 20 when I married my husband and I could have never understood where it would take me knowing that someday he might have problems with his kidney's. My love for him was so deep that I wouldn't even worry about it. I was 32 when he was diagnosed with his kidney disease. Today I am 42 and my life has given me all of these things. It's important to know that this is what defines who I am not the diabetes, the kidney donor, the caregiver. But all of this has given me the ability to have compassion, understanding and the will to appreciate others challenges. How do you move forward on days when you can't get out of bed. Knowing that others share in your trials. Today is a good day today I count carbs. Today I have a thought about the future that I wish to share. Carbohydrates turn to sugar which create energy you need insulin to unlock the sugar. I am happy for the ability to give myself shots to unlock that carb so I can get out of bed and do what I do best "LIVE".

The Carb Count begins.

It's all about the Carbs. Your carb to insulin ratio is important. This is what makes me tired and frustrated. Since this all began I have lost 25 pounds, I guess in a way that can be a good thing. I wish that it was a consistent thing though. I'm learning to love almonds even the sugar ones low in carbs and good for you. My nights are late which make my mornings late also. So when it comes to eating not a big fan of breakfast. I have wanted to talk about my complicated life for some time hoping that maybe I could help someone out there. Maybe not a single soul will read what I have to say but at least it's out there. Ten years ago my husband was diagnosed with Alport's which is a very rare kidney disease. Dialysis in the clinic we built in our basement, I am the primary nurse of course that's because I rock! This makes it so he can work full time, so why then after all of the focus of taking fabulous care of my husband, "maybe neglecting the laundry and other small details of daily living" did I have to get Diabetes? Well now the question is posed I will now begin my carb counting day.

First Day of the Rest of my life

So I have to do something with my thoughts, so why not Blog everyone is doing it. I'm not sure I'll be any good at this but I have to start getting my thoughts somewhere other than stuck in my head. I have been type 1 diabetic for exactly 8 mo. I am 42 years young and not doing it very well. I am extremely frustrated with the fact that other than the diabetes I'm healthy. At one point actually looking forward to the future. Simply put I'm ticked the newness has worn off and the frustration has begun. I'm learning there are huge differences in type 1 and 2. As the Dr. put it nothing needs to change about your life ( oh except you get to give yourself shots all day long, think about everything that goes into your mouth). Did I ever have to think about taking a bite of my husbands hamburger or munching on a few chips. Not before but yes now. So in a nut shell I'm not changing a thing! First blog now I can move forward and as my husband puts it be happy. Oh I'm happy happy to be alive!